Kingdom Hearts for Dummies 3
by TheMasterLink
Summary: Sora has to save his marrige with kairi from a horde of rocket launcher bunnies and Xemnas. But can he really? Or will he be engulfed by what is Kingdom Hearts for Dummies, the ancient book that will help him break a curse? Rated M for violence and deaths
1. Xemnas Uprising

**Kingdom Hearts for Dummies 3**

**The Tides of Time**

**Authors note: Author here! Some of you may know about the first Kingdom Hearts for dummies and its successor Kingdom Hearts for Dummies: Remix. That ended over a year ago. I'm reviving the series with a bit of love, funny, and more funny. Credit goes to the cool comic Ctrl+Alt+Del for the arcade scene. Anyways, enjoy it I'm here to bring you the funny.**

**Sora looked down at the landing before him where his friends Riku and Kairi stood. He had just returned from his latest adventure only a week ago, and things were going along nicely. Him and Kairi were going out mainly because people wanted them to. And Donald and Goofy were off destroying some other planet for once. But Riku was not the same. He no longer wanted to go to other worlds, risking his life to do something dumb. And he no longer hated Sora. Although this would normally be a good thing, Sora didn't think something was quite right. The waves washed up dead fish with the heartless emblem on them, and for some reason the organization XIII members were attacking them for some reason. How they had come back to life was a mystery, because Sora kicked the crap out of them the last time they lived. Anyways, Sora jumped onto the landing and looked at the ocean.**

"Its a horrid day today," He sighed.

"Yep...sure is," Riku sighed.

"Yeah, not a dark cloud in sight," Xemnas sighed.

Sora gasped, Riku screamed and ran up a hill to safety. But Kairi just stood there looking like she was going to throw up. Xemnas was wearing a Hello Kitty Halloween costume, and it made him look like a dork.

"Xemnas, what do you want?!?" Sora asked with his keyblade in hand.

"I'm trying to think of a plan for worlds domination," Xemnas stated.

"I bet you're trying to kidnap Kairi, my new girlfriend like in the movies!" Sora growled.

"Shes your girlfriend? I thought Riku was," the Hello Kitty costume looked confused.

Riku jumped back onto the landing grinning.

"How did you know we were lovers?" Riku asked.

"But Riku, we never even liked each other-" the rest of Sora's words were muffled by Riku.

Riku whispered in his ear: "But he doesn't know that, so shut up! I'm confusing him!" The hello kitty costume now looked weirded out. Kairi knew they were joking and shutted up...or something.

"Lovers?!? So...freaky..." Xemnas stepped backwards in fear.

"Yeah...in fact, we're going to make out now," Riku grinned wider.

"Er...you sicken...me!" Xemnas looked ready to hurl.

"Oh screw this," Sora whacked Xemnas with his keyblade.

With a scream and a meow from the hello kitty costume, Xemnas fell over the cliff and into the water below where he was eaten by mermaids with 'I LOVE ATLANTICA' hats. Riku frowned, Sora had taken away his fun. Kairi stood rooted at the spot staring as the mermaids took out a grill and began grilling the hello kitty costume. Little did they know, Xemnas had escaped from the costume, moments before they put it on the grill! Sora pulled them both away into the secret place where they often ate lunch. But this time he opened the door that was there in Kingdom Hearts 1, that he didn't get the chance to open. Inside was The End of the World, which was now a fridge that held their snacks. Sora pulled out a candy bar and began eating.

"Sora, why are we here?" Kairi asked, out of the trance.

"Because I'm hungry!" Said Sora, pulling out a candy bar.

"But we aren't," Riku frowned.

Sora pulled out 2 more candy bars and tossed them to them. Kairi began to eat hers but Riku snarfed it down in a split second. He looked at Sora and Kairi who were staring at him and said: "What? I was hungry." Kairi threw hers back in, in horror. She had not noticed it was a heartless disguised as a candy bar she was eating.

"Really, why are we here?" Riku asked grabbing the heartless candy bar Kairi had chucked and ate it.

"No...particular reason," Sora said. "Got to go!"

And with that he zoomed off. Riku and Kairi didn't see him the rest of the day. But the next day Kairi found him at the arcade. It was valentines day and Kairi wanted to spend the day with Sora. But she was a bit irritated that he had forgotten. Sora pulled her away to an unoccupied machine.

"Is this what you've been at since yesterday?" Kairi said pointing at it.

"Yep, Kingdom Hearts the arcade game," Sora grinned.

"Why play a game thats made off of an adventure you yourself lived?" Kairi asked.

"Cause its got a high score chart," Sora said.

"And why is that good?" Kairi frowned.

"Just look at the initials of the high scores."

She stared down at them. They read:

KAI

RI

WIL

YOU  
MAR

RY

ME

She gasped and almost fainted. Then she recovered and said: "I will!" Sora jumped for joy and put a quarter in the machine.

"Er, what are you doing now?" Kairi asked.

"Well after all of that playing I'm really good at it!" Sora said.

"So what?" Kairi shrugged.

"I just can't beat the final boss! Xemnas wasn't that hard the last time!" Sora frowned as a heartless killed him in the game.

"I think you have it on proud mode," Kairi said flipping the switch from proud to easy.

"NOOO!!!" Sora yelped.

Almost immediately the heartless changed into bunnies that roamed around harmlessly. Sora looked like he was in shock and his face was painted with fear. Kairi wondered what had happened when suddenly the bunnies took out rocket launchers and began firing at Sora. Almost immediately the screen changed from extreme violence to the Game Over screen. Both Kairi and Sora were in complete shock. If that was easy mode, Proud Mode was a thing to run from.

"I was practicing on Proud Mode, I was not prepared for the bunny enemies," Sora said still jaw dropped.

"Lets go," Kairi said, the machine was beginning to smoke.

Sora grabbed her arm and ran like heck. They got out of the arcade and jumped. An explosion equivalent to a nuke was right behind them, and the smoke clouded their vision. When it cleared they gasped. The bunnies from the game were real and alive! People were fleeing from their rocket launchers as buildings in the distance began to crumble. And out of the dust of the arcade Xemnas arrived now in his normal robes. He chuckled as another nuke-like explosion went off behind him. He snapped his fingers and the bunnies and turned and aimed at Sora and Kairi.

"Ha ha ha! I have you now!" Xemnas laughed.

"What do you want you hello kitty fan boy?" Sora asked.

"I want to ruin your life like you destroyed mine!" He yelled to the heavens.

"Sure, and how will you do that?" Sora asked.

"Well I'm going to make it so that you cannot come within 10 feet of your wife!"

"Er, we aren't married yet," Sora said.

"Well, you still cannot come within 10 feet of her," He gestured towards Kairi.

Xemnas cast some sort of spell, heck if me the author knew how to describe it-directly at Sora. It hit him and suddenly something knocked him backwards about 10 feet. With another laugh Xemnas and his horde of bunny creatures disappeared. This was becoming a horrible day, but Sora wouldn't stand for it! He would fight against Xemnas, for Kairi! And for himself! And so he could get Xemnas out of his life for good because he sucked anyways as an organization XII member. Really, he looked like a girl without his hood off. Anyways, join in next time for the conclusion of Kingdom Hearts for dummies 3! ...Whats that bill? We still have 100 more episodes to go? Well alright. Whatever. See you next time on...KINGDOM HEARTS FOR DUMMIES 3!!!


	2. Realizing the Situation

**Kingdom Hearts for Dummies 3**

**The Tides of Time**

**Authors Note: Not every sentence has a punchline. Quite a bit of violence in this chapter, so avoid it if you want to. Also I kill off a few characters in this chapter. I'm not telling whom right now though. :P**

"I sure could go for a candy bar," Sora sighed as Riku patted him on the back.

"Don't worry Sora, it could be worse," Riku said staring at the ocean.

"And how could it be worse?" Sora asked pulling a candy bar out of his hair.

"Well, he could have killed you," Riku said. "And that would be bad for business."

"Er, business?" Sora asked putting the maggot infested candy bar back in his hair.

"Yeah, I'm selling Sora merchandise!" Riku grinned.

Sora watched as Riku pulled out a graph and began to explain and bunch of things about how this business would make him a millionaire. And on top of that, he would finally be able to make Sora somewhat popular like himself. Sora frowned trying to keep up as Riku continued explaining about how much of a dork Sora was. And how it should have been him who had gotten the keyblade and saved the worlds from destruction. Not wanting to hear any more, Sora covered his ears because Riku had gone into how much of a geek Sora really was. People had started gathering to listen so Sora killed them with his keyblade somehow with his fingers still in his ears. Finally Riku stopped a moment for Sora to comment.

"So what kind of merchandise do you sell?" Sora asked.

"I'm glad you asked!" Riku began babbling again.

Sora sighed, now he was going on about all of the different products he was creating. Such as heartless plushes and Sora key chains. Not to mention cosplay keyblades and Sora chocolate bars that were made of heartless. Finally he stopped and Sora raised his hand.

"What is it?" Riku looked irritated.

"SHUT UP!" Sora yelled. "You've been talking for 6 hours straight!"

"I have not!" Riku made a comeback. "Its only been 5 hours and 59 minutes."

"Whatever," Sora smirked. "But if you stop talking I'll give you some free candy!" 

"CANDY!" Riku jumped for joy.

Sora pulled the maggot candy bar out of his hair and gave it to Riku who immediately slid it down into his mouth and swallowed. He looked sick and began vomiting. Sora could almost swear he heard the maggots screaming: "Noooo!!!" Riku went home still barfing up maggots, and Sora decided to go home too. He hadn't seen Kairi since the day before and it was getting boring without her. Especially with Riku trying to explain things to him about marketing and selling Kingdom Hearts merchandise. Nonetheless he went home to find Donald and Goofy.

"What in the heck are you doing in my house?" Sora asked getting some milk.

"We need to go on another adventure Sora!" Donald quacked.

"Ahyuk! We sure do! Xemnas is back and hes destroying the worlds!" Goofy explained.

"I know that, he set a curse on me," Sora sighed. "Now I cant get even near Kairi."

"Thats so sad..." Donald looked grim. "But we have other things to worry about!"

"LIKE THE NINJA ROCKET BUNNIES!" Yelled Goofy pointing at the doorway.

In the doorway stood the rocket launcher bunnies from the day before looking bloodthirstier than ever. But this time they had a new sort of friend to help them. It was a robot mech made entirely out of plush animals. It had machine guns made of stuffed animals that fired more stuffed animals. And it was controlled from the inside by an organization XIII member! He began the onslaught by knocking Goofy into the wall with the stuffed animals. Sora jumped into a nearby room and summoned his keyblade. His mom sat there watching him with interest.

"What kind of evil is it this time Sora?" She asked now staring at a TV.

"Its a stuffed animal mech!" He sighed. "And its controlled by organization XIII!"

"Stuffed animals? Then you'd better take this," She threw him a match. "It'll burn them to ashes. It'll look cool too."

Sora quickly thanked her and jumped into the hall, lighting the match on the wall just before he jumped. In a movie sort of animated cool throw, he chucked the match onto the stuffed animal mech. It caught fire and the rocket bunnies near it caught fire. They ran around like gingerbread men who where dieing in the stomach acid of the fox. Then they all died. The organization XIII member controlling the mech was still alive, and it was none other than Axel! His face was pale and he had various hello kitty chains dangling from his robes.

"AXEL! YOU LIKE HELLO KITTY!" Sora yelled in horror.

"Y0u 837 1 D0!" Axel said laughing. "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!"

"And you haven't dropped the l337 speak I see!" Goofy frowned.

"Pr324r3 70 d13!" Axel yelled taking out his weapon circle blade things.

It was a fierce battle much to graphic to explain, but what the heck **I'm** the author here! Sora's keyblade clashed with Axel's blade! Then Axel brought around his other blade and drove it deeply into his neck. Donald casted cure on Sora's neck, but it was too late. Axel bashed his blade **(I'm calling it his blade because I have to idea what it's really called!) **straight into Donald's chest, knocking him backwards. And with another swipe, he had Goofy sprawled on the ground with a gash in both legs. Then Axel quickly finished off Donald and Goofy by driving the blades deeply into their backs. Donald and Goofy were gone. Donald opened his mouth to say his final words before dieing.

"Sora...I..." Donald began. "I never really liked you."

"Wait what?" Sora's face was filled with rage. "You suck, die already."

"Alright..." And with that Donald died. Sora moved on to Goofy.

"Sora...I liked you..." Goofy said. "As a friend...but you suck, you didn't even try to save us."

"I know," Sora said. "Well I was trying to complete this rubix cube!"

Sora threw the cube backwards. It hit the wall and opened up into a small like robot. Then a gigantic cannon came out of it and blasted Axel out of the house and so far that he went straight into the ocean. Then it folded back up neatly and once again became a normal rubix cube. Sora looked confused. So that was why people really liked rubix cubes! It could be used as a self defense system if need be. And to activate it you would have to complete the puzzle. Sora grinned. He was alive! And he was so happy he expressed his happiness with words!

**"I BEAT THE STUPID RUBIX CUBE!" He whooped and ran out of the door. **

**He ran over to the landing from the beginning of the first chapter and saw the gummi ship which was now his! He went in and fired it up, he supposed it was an adventure he had to complete now. But this time alone. But in his heart he was not alone! Because he had maggots living in his heart that took over his mind sometimes. It was odd but the maggots somehow made good choices and were the reason he was able to complete his previous adventures! Support the wormheart disease and get a free tee-shirt! Anyways, he flew off into space and found himself in front of Traverse Town. It was home to many heartless and freaks that he knew. So he landed and found himself walking into a house due to the maggot disease. (Support the wormheart!) **

**"Sora!" Leon called running up to him. **

**"Leon, why are you so enthusiastic to greet me?" Sora asked puzzled.**

**"You stole my keys, give them back." Leon held out his hand. **

**"What car keys?" Sora asked whistling like he had no idea what was going on.**

**"Sigh...they were in my wallet you stole from me." **

**"Oh yeah, here you go." Sora dumped a wallet into Leon's hands.**

**Soon he found Yuffie running up to him and blurting out a greeting, just much more exciting like than Leon had greeted him.**

**"So...tell me Sora," She started. "Did you see what Leon looked like as a young adult?"**

**"SORA DON'T TELL HER!" Leon yelled.**

**"He had a mustache," Sora said.**

**Sora and Yuffie began laughing hardly and Leon was looking at them angrily. Sora was home for once, no curse in sight. And by the look of it he had a lot of things to do. Because the next thing he knew they were all surrounded by heartless. What will happen to them? Will they survive or die a horrible death? Find out next time in Kingdom Hearts for Dummies 3!**


End file.
